David Barham, Arkansas Democrat-Gazette, Little Rock
Posted 3/29/2005 12:00:00 AM
Threedaughters: Crosses at the intersection
Letterto Europe: Special Delivery from Osama
‘Youguys’ moves South?: Y’all will stand like a StoneWall
WhereArkansas leads: Schoolresults.org is the real deal
Takinga stand
Threedaughters
Crosses at the intersection
March 24, 2004
By David Barham
Arkansas Democrat-Gazette
Little Rock
THE STRANGEST thought came to mind as we stood at the intersection of ArkansasHighways 5 and 89 early Monday afternoon: What were their nicknames?
All daddies give theirdaughters nicknames, don’t they? Maybe just thestandard "Princess." Or, around these parts, "Darling Girl," or "BabyDoll," or "Sweet Girl." We liked what Paw called Laura in theLittle House series: "Half-pint."
It was the strangest thought. Here we were looking at the memorials, and wewere thinking about their nicknames. What goes on in the human mind . . . .
If you haven’t seen the papers lately—the news section and theobits—or watched the local news, or listened to any talk radio, or beento church, or shopped at any store, or got a haircut, or stepped outside yourfront door, or your back door have missed it: Three young ladies—girls,really—were killed Thursday at the intersection of 5 and 89, right outsideCabot, at the Pulaski County/Lonoke County line.
Jae Lynn Russell. Alicia Rix. Taylor Hall. Cheerleaders.
Going fishing.
Spring Break.
3:54 in the afternoon.
All wearing seatbelts.
Jae and Alicia were 16. Taylor was 15.
We stood on the west sideof Highway 89, and looked to the left, north, up Highway 5. We were on themilitarycrest of a hill. The cars simply disappearedas they drove north, and the south-bound vehicles coming at us had appearedout of nowhere. A driver going east on 89 has to stop at a stop sign beforecrossing. But if a truck or car is going south on Highway 5 . . . . You couldn’tsee it until it was right on top of you. You couldn’t see it any morethan Jae could on a Spring Break afternoon at 3:54.
We know a girl whose daddycalls her "Squirrel."
The intersection is soperfectly Arkansas. It’s surrounded by pine thickets.There’s a bit of litter in the ditch. Advertising signs are nailed totrees, complete with local phone numbers: "Cabot Truss, Inc." and "Clegg’sWelding" and "Diamond Machine Shop." On one side of Highway5 is a sign that says, "Lonoke County." On the other, "PulaskiCounty."
There’s a man with a camera standing next to us this afternoon. He’sa member of one of the extended families, which everybody seems to be in Arkansas.
Good gosh, look at thetraffic, the inky wretch and the man with the camera say to each other. Andat 1:30in the afternoon, on a Monday no less! And lookhow fast they’re going.
We wondered if one ofthe girls had ever been addressed as "Puddin-n-pie."
Somebody had put painting supplies under one of the crosses. One of the girlsmust have liked to paint.
There goes a full dumptruck. Must be going 60 miles an hour, too. It’sgoing south on Highway 5, just like the truck that plowed into the girls. Itdoesn’t take long for an accident to be forgotten, and for truckers tofloor it again. After all, the boss is waiting. Got to get the gravel to .. . wherever gravel goes.
One of the signs saysonly: "We love y’all."
Not "We love you." Whateverkid wrote that one knew the language Jae Lynn, Alicia and Taylor spoke.
Muffin? Short Stuff? Little Wiggle?
It must’ve been a devastating wreck. After all, the girls were wearingseatbelts. We could see the tire tracks where the poor truck driver—foreverlinked with these girls—did his best to stop.
We notice the glass onthe side of the road, too. Is it from this wreck, or another? There havebeen severalat the intersection of 5 and 89. Fatal ones.But the state hasn’t got around to putting up a stop light. Just a yellowblinking light, which might as well be another pine tree for those who’vegone through the intersection more than a few times. Just part of the scenery.
The Highway Department says it held some public meetings, got some federalmoney, and it expects it can hire a contractor to improve the intersectionand make it safer by the end of the year.
By the end of the year.
"How many more?" readsanother one of the signs by the side of the road.
By the end of the year. . . .
Nicknames. When we got back to the office, we thought about calling one ofthe families, just out of curiosity. They had to have nicknames. It would addsomething to the editorial, give it a personal touch.
But we didn’t call.Not now. Not ever. Some things can stay just between the daddies and theirgirls.Forever.
Letter to Europe
Special Delivery from Osama
April 18, 2004
By David Barham
Arkansas Democrat-Gazette
Little Rock
DEAR EUROPEAN pig-dog radicalZionist crusader goat-faced sons of jackals: In the name of Allah, the merciful,the beneficent, we send affectionategreetings,death and destruction, etc. Or, as they say in rotting American hovels likeNew York and Washington, Howdy. (Did I get that right?) Forgive me if it’sbeen a while since I’ve last communicated with you. I’ve been ratherbusy. I can’t tell you how much time and planning it takes to avoid thecommando raids, and dodge those pesky predator drones, and brush off the scorpions.Then there’s the business of switching caves every night and always havingto hire new food tasters. Good help is so hard to find nowadays. The best caveshave a 30-day waiting list, the cost of bribes is skyrocketing, and don’tget me started on the cooking around here.
But enough about me. Onto business: Have I got a deal for you!
How’s about a truce? Europe isn’t the enemy of Allah. America is.And Israel. And Turkey. And Australia. And Britain. And, oh, yes, Poland. AndUkraine. And the Czech Republic. And Denmark. And Italy and . . . . Well, thereal Europe isn’t our enemy. You know, the romantic, storied Europe ofVichy and Buchenwald, Malmedy and Auschwitz. Oh, those were the days, my friends,those were the days. European civilization was at its peak then, except ofcourse when our hordes stood at the gates of Tours and Vienna ready to liberateyou from your folly, property, and lives, O unbelieving ones.
What I mean to say isEurope no longer has to be the enemy of the true faith. Not if you buy myalmost newtruce offer. It’s on sale. Today only. Worrybeads thrown in free.
Al-Qaida will declareits war with European nations over—capital-O Over—ifyou Europeans will kindly agree to pull out of all Muslim countries immediately.As for the citizens of your countries who were lost on, after, or in connectionwith the glory of September 11 th, we’ll agree to let bygones be bygonesif you will. If you’ll stop defending yourselves, we’ll stop killingyou. Eventually.
How can you pass up adeal like that? Get out of Iraq, Afghanistan, Kuwait, the holy land of SaudiArabia,and maybe Spain and the Balkans, and every othertrue Realm of Islam or face the wrath of God just as the Spaniards did andwe’ll kill every last one of your sons in the Mother of All Wars andspread their rotting corpses over—Ahem. Excuse me. I get carried awayon occasion. Don’t take it personally. I still dream of the gardens ofCordoba and yearn for the olives of Andalusia. I miss the golden days of theInquisition and the auto-da-fe. Those people knew how to live, or rather kill.And then that heretic Ataturk comes along and abolishes the Caliphate withouteven thinking . . . . But don’t let my idle musings distract you, O,my brothers. Go about your business, enjoy your decadent pleasures, turn yourback again, enroll my little friends in your flight schools. . . .
And don’t listen to those imperialist, colonialist, mass-marketing Americans.They just want to keep the good Muslims of the Middle East under their boots,so they can have all our oil, defile our religious sites, and stare luridlyat our top-totoe veiled women. They can’t be trusted. Me you can trust.
The big problem is thatthe unilateralist Americans have too many allies in this war. So we are preparedto offer aseparate peace until the Great Satanis destroyed. Then, of course, the whores of Paris and the charlatans of Londonand the entire Western world will convert to Islam or feel the wrath of a thousanddeaths as the blood of their children—(Cough.) Ahem. Sorry about that.Control. Must learn control.
If America’s allies will pull out of the Middle East, America won’tbe far behind. That Bush! Do you really think he means business? Don’tbe fooled by his cowboy talk. He’s weak! Weak, I tell you! You can takeit direct from those of us cowering in my little cave. A few more months ofthis war, his poll numbers will drop, and he’ll run from here like ascalded dog.
And once America is gone,proper order will be restored in the House of Islam, i.e., the Middle East,andadjacent areas, i.e., the world. We can overturnthose liberal regimes in Turkey and Jordan, and the one to come in Iran, formapproved Islamic governments, kill our heretics, keep our women home wherethey belong instead of in school, cut the throats of the infidels, drive oureconomy into the sand, and produce still more terrorists! Only then will wecome after you in Europe. But that’s years from now, decades maybe, sodon’t give it a second thought. In fact, I shouldn’t have mentionedit. Forget it. That’s an order.
And here’s an Extra Added Bonus: By pulling out of this war, you getto embarrass the United States! Isn’t that your real purpose in life,your raison d’etre—to escape America’s clutching hegemonyand let the United Nations handle all our little problems? Hey, I read thepapers. This would be an easy way to spit at the feet of your long-time allyand occasional liberator. That’ll show the Americans! Let no good deedgo unpunished!
And if you don’t, we will fill your bowels with hell-fire lava and thetroops of al-Qaida will pull the flesh from your bones and give your meat toour dogs for breakfast and use your innards for fish bait and, and, and—Anyway,sleep on it. You know you can trust an honest guy like me. Have I ever liedto you? You can believe me when I promise you death, destruction and generalchaos—unless, of course, you’re the American FBI and CIA and haveno eyes to see, ears to hear, phones to tap . . . .
Your friend (and if youdon’t believe it I’llkill you dead), OBL
‘You guys’ movesSouth?
Y’all will stand like a Stone Wall
April 29, 2004
By David Barham
Arkansas Democrat-Gazette
Little Rock
SOUTHERNERS! A call to arms!
A decaying, sinister,and determined force is marching down into these climes from Up Nawth. Thisforce has allthe manners of a Sherman. And all the romanticappeal of a Grant. Worse yet, it recruits our children—our very sonsand daughters!—in its campaign to change Our Way of Life.
This force insults ourwomen. It attempts to federalize the uniqueness of the South. It believesthat overwhelmingforce—the mere presence of numbers!—willbowl over the states of the Old Confederacy. This force underestimates thefight of the Southern man, by Gawd, and the resolve of the Southern woman,by jingos. From Fayetteville, Arkansas, to Fayetteville, North Carolina, Southernerswill fight this battle with all the rage and fury usually associated with somethingmore serious, like football games. (Missouri may waver, but that state hasalways been on the fence.) Of course we’re enraged, as we know you are,about the dispatches from all fronts that the phrase "you guys" hasinfiltrated God’s Country. And reports are that it’s spreading,mostly advancing in house-to-house urban battles. And "you guys" istrying to gain footholds in those urban areas to launch attacks into ruralcommunities.
Bring it on.
"You guys" . . . . (Snort, indignantly.) The word around here for the pluralYou is Y’all, and it always will be. Because we were raised right. Y’allwill never be taken prisoner by some green lieutenant of a Yankee phrase.
Another proper and whollyacceptable expression, You All, may be muttered on occasion, but only whenaddressingmore than one person, and preferably bya Southern belle who’s making a kind of art with her conversation, asSouthern belles do: Why don’t You All go to the picture show withoutme tonight? I’m feeling poorly after visiting with Mama, bless her heart.
But Y’all stilldominates in these latitudes.
Of course, the left-leaning media help the enemy. Nothing new about that, right?But television is using more subtle techniques than it uses on The West Wingor The CBS Evening News. The tactic these days is to carpet-bomb programmingwith the Vile Phrase, and hope Southern chillen rally to its colors.
Which, by the way, isanother reason to turn off the tube tonight and read to the kids. PreferablyMark Twain.Or Lewis Grizzard. Or, if they’rea little older and in the mood for something serious, Robert Penn Warren.
We knew this war was comingyears ago, in the 1970s. That’s when a publictelevision show for kids called The Electric Companybegan its propaganda eachday with a shout to the easily persuaded: Hey you guys! We wish now that theSouth had taken a more proactive role in rolling back this menace before itposed such an imminent threat. What’s next? "Youse guys"? "Lookit"? "Takeoff, eh"? "Go Yankees"?
We’d druther havesnow in May.
WE SUSPICION "you guys" will have a hard time establishing an areaof operations in the South. Primarily because of the Southerner’s loveof history. Like Faulkner said, in the South, the past is never dead—it’snot even past. And Southerners are good aims when it comes to using historyas a weapon. Which reminds us: Guess where the term "guy" came from?According to a dispatch from Newhouse News Service in Sunday’s paper,the word "guy" is thought to come from Guy Fawkes, a conspiratorin a failed 1605 plot to blow up the British Parliament. Aha!
Gradually, the word beganto be used for any male. But Southerners will give up Moon Pies and NASCARbeforewe’ll let people use that word of questionableorigins to be applied to our mothers, sisters and daughters! We’d justas soon address Mama with "What up, dog?"
Imagine a car salesmanapproaching a couple at Gwatney Chevrolet with, "Whatare you guys interested in today?" He may be asked why he can’thelp the lady, too.
Or imagine this verbalorder as you leave a restaurant—preferably a restaurantthat serves greens: "You guys come back now, heah?"
Ugh! On second thought,don’t imagine any of that. This "you guys" invasionain’t nuthin but a thing. It will not take root. Not in this soil.
Not as long as Southernerspaint words into their conversations just so, like artists adding a touchof bluewhere it’s needed, and a slash of greenwhere it’s not expected. Not as long as those of us in God’s Countryrecognize the difference between men and women, and the truly educated amongus treat our ladies with a little more respect, and class, and never requirethem to open a door in our presence or see a baseball cap atop a gentlemen’shead. Not as long as we all believe Suthun is a language all its own, and weuse it not just to communicate an idea, but to communicate life itself.
"You guys" will last about as long as a hush puppy in an Arkadelphia buffetline. Right, y’all?
Where Arkansas leads
Schoolresults.org is the real deal
May 1, 2004
By David Barham
Arkansas Democrat-Gazette
Little Rock
INSIDE the meeting room were the usual suspects. By which we mean a handfulof journalists, a handful of PR types, a handful of educators, and Stacy Pittman.(She always seems to be where education reform is being committed.) The projectorwas set up, the Internet was on the big screen, and people were passing outbusiness cards all around. We could see it already: This is gonna call forsome serious caffeine.
Not that we’re against education reform, mind you. It’s the endlesstalking about it, without ever doing anything, that unnerves. See the ArkansasLegislature, circa 2003-2004. This was going to be just another meeting, toespouse just another idea, to blather on about another Technical Revolutionin Education (how many have there been now?), and how Arkansas could benefitby it if the state would just get on board. The PR types and Education Expertswould explain how bass-ackwards Arkansas is, what must be done to reverse that,how expensive it’s going to be, how the future of our children is sufferingbecause politicians and superintendents (but we repeat ourselves) stand inthe way, how the lack of modern technology is hindering progress in the schools.And so depressingly on.
We dusted off Old Fogey Editorial No. 138, which starts like this: (Clear throat.)In the Internet age, computers are becoming more and more important. On theone hand, children must learn basics like reading and math. On the other hand,try getting a job today without knowing how to Google somebody without gettingfired for harassment. Arkansas must quit fighting technology, and, instead,get more of it into the classroom.
For too long now, Arkansashas fallen behind in several education categories. How long will Arkies allowtheir children to fall behind the nation? How longuntil they demand immediate accountability from their schools, and—Wehad most of the editorial written when Jacqueline Lain, director of some outfitcalled Performance Evaluation Services, said the strangest thing: "Arkansasis a leader."
Was that a jolt, or was the coffee kicking in?
Now, OFE No. 138 is asafe editorial, complete with the on-the-one-hand-buton-the-other-hand prerequisiteof anygood, boring opinion piece. But the longer we listenedto Ms. Lain describe, explain, and show off this new website called schoolresults.org,the more we began to realize No. 138 just isn’t accurate anymore.
Arkansas is leading the nation.
PARENTS, educators, taxpayersor anybody else who’s interested in educationin Arkansas, do yourself a favor: Fire up the old computer, and surf on overto www.schoolresults.org. (Dot org, not dot com!) Notice that only a few statesare blue, which indicates the state is online. Notice that Arkansas is oneof ’em. A click on Arkansas (the state between Missouri and Louisiana),and a world opens up to the curious.
The website is full asa tick with stats, stats, and stats. And not just stats, stats, and stats,but numbersyou—parents, teachers, etc.—can use.You can use them to improve your school, use them to find a home in a decentschool district, or use them to bang over the heads of your local school boardmembers.
We cracked our knuckles and began looking, er, typing around.
Lessee . . . . We knowa couple of kids at College Station Elementary in Little Rock. What’sthe level of reading proficiency there?
It took less than 20 seconds to find out. The number of kids making what educatorscall Adequate Yearly Progress is 85 percent. Not only that, but the numberof kids who are, quote, Economically Disadvantaged, unquote, is 50 percent.
Which makes us wonder: What is College Station doing right with these poorkids that 85 percent can read on level? And how can other schools copy that?
Lessee, No. 2 . . . .We know some children at Nevada County High School. It’sin poor and rural Nevada County. So we already know it’s economicallydisadvantaged. But how does it compare to other schools in the same economiccategory?
A minute later . . . . There are two other high schools, besides Nevada County,with an exact 59.2 percent of economically disadvantaged kids: Bruno-PyattHigh and Lakeside High. Nevada County is between the two in reading proficiency,and well ahead in math. How can the math program there be improved and copiedby others?
Hey, this is neat! Now this is transparency. Which leads to real accountability.
Lessee, No. 3 . . . .What about that massive Springdale High? How’rethey doin’? Go to the school’s site, click on Quick Compare, andin a second, voila!
Yep, we guessed right.It’s the biggest school in the state, with morethan 2,500 kids. Its reading proficiency is on target at 61 percent, but—uh,oh—it’s math proficiency is right at 31 percent. Are the kids therehaving trouble grasping algebra? Or is it geometry? Is it just 10 th-gradersholding down the scores, or are most kids at the school having trouble? And,more importantly, who can fix this?
OKAY, ENOUGH about numbers. What was that about Arkansas being a leader?
Well, not every state has its information up and running. It looks as thoughseveral others, in yellow, are in the process, but Arkansans can find out aboutthe good, the bad, and the ugly test scores right now. And compare them toothers across the state.
Arkansas is one of thenation’sleaders. In a technical area of education, no less. (Mike Huckabee must bebehind this.) And, more important, this websiteis something real, something tangible, something that parents and teachersand home buyers and anybody else can use.
Texas folks don’thave this. California folks, either. Nor do those smarty-pants up in Vermontor NewHampshire or most of those other Canadian states.
"Arkansas is a leader," kept echoing around the room. It was a pleasantsound. Of course, it’s not a perfect world yet. You can’t compareArkansas schools and districts to those in other states, because Arkansas andthose other states don’t use the same tests. That should change. Whythe feds don’t strong-arm states into taking the same test—or whythe feds don’t strong-arm a little harder—we don’t understand.We’d rather compare Arkansas kids to kids around the nation, and thenthe world, than compare Texarkana kids to those in Jonesboro.
But that’s another editorial. (Old Fogey Editorial No. 141.) Right now,we’re just proud to point out this website to parents and taxpayers,and do a little bragging about our small, wonderfully technical state.
For now, No. 138 just has to go back into its file.
Taking a stand
Oct. 13, 2004
By David Barham
Arkansas Democrat-Gazette
Little Rock
EDITORIAL writers musttake a firm stand on the issues of the day. And after pondering this particularnewsstory for most of a perfectlygoodmorning,and after debating the pros and cons, the advantages and disadvantages amongstourselves, and after doing our in-depth research and weighing the great effectthat our opinion would surely have on all of society, we have to say we’refoursquare against giant hornets.
YOW!
Did you see Chris Branam’s story last Thursday? The European hornet—didwe mention it’s originally from Europe?—is also called the GiantHornet because it’s a big ’un. It’s wingspan is 50 feet long,or at least 11 / 2 inches. And people just began noticing them in this maybetoo Natural State in 1999.
The article said this particular hornet is not threatening. But you know howthe media lie.
This breed of hornet wasfirst found in New York more than 150 years ago, and it’s just now getting to God’s Country. You want to talk aboutunwanted immigration this election season, let’s talk about unwantedimmigration. (Gee thanks, New York.) "They are said to be mild-mannered,and not prone to attack, but they will defend their colony when their nestis threatened," according to the graphic that went with the story.
What does that mean, "but they will defend their colony when their nestis threatened"? What is threatening? Walking by? Trimming a tree? Throwinga football in the back yard and accidentally hitting the neighbor’s hedge?Simply existing? How’s a mere human to know?
Excuse, please, Monsieur Arkie. But I must say to you I consider such actionsthreatening to my nest. En garde!
Reports from the northernpart of the state haven’t been encouraging.These so-called mild-mannered suckers have been dive-bombing people in orchardsand banging themselves against house windows at night. The "experts," aword that should always have quotation marks around it, say the dive-bombingthing is just a function of the bug’s attraction to fruit, and the window-bangingthing just its attraction to light.
Does it matter? They’restill dive-bombing and window-banging.
Achtung! Vee vill attack, attack, attack und resistance es useless!
And this from a Mr. JeffreyBarnes, curator of the Arthropod Museum at the University of Arkansas: "I don’t know of any reports of it beingdetrimental ecologically, but that doesn’t mean it’s not."
Aha! That’s all the proof we need. This critter is obviously a Menaceto Civilization As We Know It. (And have you ever noticed that when scientistsare quoted in the paper they always sound like whitecoated actors in a B sci-fimovie circa 1955?) "If this thing is taking up tree holes, it’scertainly going to affect bird and squirrel populations," Mr. Barnes added.
Aha, again! This so-called mild-mannered hornet is picking off the bird andsquirrel population! What next? Deer? Cows? Third graders? Attention must bepaid!
And all this comes justin time for hunting season, when hundreds of thousands of Arkies are preparingtotake to the woods. Our advice: Along with your mosquitospray, your tent pegs, and your doe scent, you’d better pack a can ofRaid. Make that the over-sized, industrial-strength can. Take no chances. Say,we wonder if our taxidermist could mount one of them thangs . . . .
Stories copyright 2004 Arkansas Democrat-Gazette. Reprinted with permission.